On Not Being Able/Willing to do the "Balancing/Multi-tasking" Act

September is right around the corner. I know this because our state just had it's "tax-free" weekend so people could run out and buy their back-to-school items and some other items not related to school (washers, dryers, big screen televisions, etc.). We don't do back-to-school shopping yet. What I do is back-to-school panic! I am fortunate enough because of ym faculty job to kind of have all summer off (I do teach summer school but it's optional so I don't count it as "work" although it definitely is working...)

I panic because mid-August hits and I say out loud to anyone who will listen "What happened to my 3 months? And why did I not finish 1 project that I was supposed to begin this summer?" It is disappointing but also puts me in a panic. I am on tenure-track, not yet tenured and need to be doing some serious work. Most of which I intended to do this summer, AND (not but) we went on vacation with our baby for the 1st time, spent quality time with friends and family, spent more time with baby, and got some cleaning done. So I wrote the following about balancing/multi-tasking and trying to do it all (it's in draft form); it's kind of long because it's going to a journal soon...

I am late in submitting my book chapter, I should have started my reappointment portfolio a month ago, I have not checked voice-mail messages in over 1 week, I am avoiding running the stats from my survey project, and my baby just woke up from a nap so I gotta go tend to him (which means it will be another few days before I get back to this opinion piece which has been waiting to be written for 9 months now)!

It seems that being good at multi-tasking is an admirable trait these days.  The ability to send an email while taking a telephone call and making dinner is often applauded.  The apparent ability to multi-task (despite the studies say that we should not encourage it in our children) helps one be more productive and keep things balanced.  I am so over trying to multi-task and balance the different aspects of my life that need balancing. Something has got to give, but what?

For a couple of decades now women (and men also) have been debating the work-outside-the-home mom vs. work-i- the-home-mom (formerly known as “stay-at-home-mom).  I have come to realize that an individual’s stance on this issue may change as she or he progresses through life stages and perhaps has a child of her or his own, losses a job, witnesses a spouse loss a job, job become more fulfilling than imagined, etc. In my younger days (pre-Ph.D. completion) I fantasized about being a stay-at-home mom.  I also fantasized about being married to a wealthy international businessman and jaunting off on weekend trips around the world, starting a fabulous non-profit to help women and children in impoverished regions, teaching the world to read, meeting my equally wealthy girlfriends for days of service and toting our babies around to political rallies in stylish clothing not made by child laborers! It is nice to dream from time to time and then reality hits (or I win the lottery which I do not currently play).

            My current fantasy is about not doing the balancing act.  Our family recently took a trip south to visit family and friends.  My Godmother awed out loud at my ability to be up, showered, dressed, and making breakfast for everyone while keeping our 9 month entertained at 8 a.m.  I smiled proudly and said “Yea, and you should see me when I’m working.”  What? Am I insane? Why was I proudly smiling and bragging that I can do this or better when school is in session? I must be losing my mind or suffering from what I call summer amnesia! When school is in session and I am teaching a full load, working towards tenure, struggling to maintain some type of social connection with my friends, struggling to be a doting wife and now an attentive mommy and I am TIRED! Why the hell am I trying to balance it all? Oh! Because someone told me that this is what the modern-day woman is supposed to do.  My grandmother stayed home and from time to time worked part-time, but was mostly a mom and wife.  My mother was at the opposite end of the spectrum. She hired a live-in nanny/housekeeper and focused on her career.  I thought I wanted to balance both of those lifestyles.

            Who am I kidding?! Just working towards tenure is a full-time job, not to mention that my teaching load is a full-time job aside from advising, sitting on committees, working in the community, and did I mention that sometimes I want to eat, take a shower, or dare I say it – get my hair or nails done???

            The pressure is obviously self-imposed. And society also has this expectation that women who choose to work outside of their homes and have families will balance it all out.  In some other economic era we might have been able to hire help, but then I would not truly be balancing it all myself – that’s kind of like cheating right? Or is it? I feel as if I have arrived at some point in life where some serious decisions need to be made about what is most important. Duh! My spouse and baby of course, and in order to help maintain our family unit I have to work (because we are not independently wealthy nor have we won the lottery), which given my educational background means teaching, advising, service, publishing, etc. So maybe the answer is to choose another career? Maybe I’m just having a mid-life pre-tenure crisis! But I am serious about the fact that I am done trying to balance it all…I do not yet know what, but something is going to have to give.

Ectopic Pregnancy Survey

My colleague and I are beginning to collect stories from women who have experienced an ectopic pregnancy. To learn more or refer someone go to

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/L5KLK9V

My new found fear: A mother's anxiety kicks in!

I've been meaning to get these thoughts out there sooner, but motherhood often calls! LOL!

The "random" (news media description) violence around the world has me on edge.  When we first learned we were having a baby boy my heart and soul was filled with joy! All kinds of future moments flashed through my head - soccer, baseball, deodorant, hiking, teaching manners & gentleness, first dates, etc, etc...As my due date approached I became deeply reflective about the fact that I was about to give birth to a boy of African descent in the United States! That thought filled me with all kinds of emotion, but primarily I instinctively became "protective" and "cautious."  Glad to be married and have a positive male figure firmly planted in our son's life, I smiled and labored on.  As my pregnancy went on I quickly forgot those thoughts as other things were taking precedence; until recently...

Flash mob violence in Philadelphia, the cop-killing of a schizophrenic man in Orange County, CA, racial tensions and violence in London, unrest in Syria, seemingly random violent home invasions in my home state and surrounding states,children killing teachers, etc. have me afraid. I'm not afraid of much - snakes maybe, but not much else. I wasn't scared to fly after Sept. 11th 2001, I'm not afraid to go to new or different places, I am not afraid of strangers (although I probably should be!)...I cannot help but think about the world I have brought my child into. Some people choose not to have children because they truly believe the world is too violent and unstable to raise a child appropriately. I do not believe that, but I am concerned.

Will there be more peace or more violence when he enters school? Will racial and religious discrimination still be prominent? Will I have to teach him about prejudice and why some people dislike others because of the color of their skin? Will I stay up late worrying about how/where he is when he goes out with friends? Will I become a crazy mom who either does not let her child go anywhere or monitors his whereabouts every 15 minutes?

My parents taught me no fear! They taught me how to be happy, how to go after my dreams, how to treat others well, how to be proud and succeed. They did not teach me about prejudice or discrimination. I learned on my own through a difficult experience in middle school. After which my parents had a lot to say on the topic! I grew up slightly sheltered and protected. I do not think that's an option in today's world...unless we move to Cameroon, which would have it's on set of problems right?

It seems so early in his life for me to be worried about such things - his interactions with others, the possibility of discrimination, being a victim of violence, etc., etc., etc. but this is what mothers do right? Worry! I do not want to prohibit him in anyway from doing whatever will allow him to grow and be happy, but already I am feeling very protective and that instinct comes from my experience(s), my deep love for him, my knowledge of this world, and well....a healthy dose of new found fear (partly based on my son's gender, partly based on his racial identity, partly based because of some weird mother-thing that just happened to me recently)!

Where's the assurance policy that states my son will live a happy, productive, worry-free, trouble-free, prejudice and discrimination-free, successful life and that his parents will not ever have to worry about him? I may have missed the fine print on the Gerber College/Life Insurance Plan application....did anyone else see it?

Calgon Take Me Away

Does anyone remember the "Calgon take me away" commercials? That's how I feel today!

Summer in New England is BUSY! After months of being stuck inside or being limited to outdoor activities because of snow, etc. there is A LOT to do in the summer. Our weekends are packed with more than 2 invitations for events (weddings, graduations, cook-outs, etc.).  In the African community each event requires cooking something to bring and share (no cheese and crackers or fruit platters for this crowd).  So I find myself cooking twice a weekend for some event. I enjoy it and like to contribute to my friend's lives in this way, but with a 7 month old it is often a bit much.

AND as soon as we thought we had our son's sleeping patterns, etc. figured out he had the audacity (ha-ha-ha) to begin to grow 4 teeth at the same time (this has kept him up or kept him waking up for the last 3 nights).

Did I mention that my niece had an 8 a.m. flight to San Fran to start her new job at Google?

*sigh* and "AAHHH" all at once!

So my scholarship work that needs to get done as I enter the 2 years before tenure is not really getting done. I'm slightly nervous, but always go back to "I don't mind having to work at Target and Starbucks."  I'm barely keeping up with the grading for my intensive 6 week summer school class...and trying to prep for the next 6 week summer school class (both of which I'm teaching so we can feel comfortable financially given our new precious family member). 

I want to set a good example for my baby son (women can work and be good mommies and wives), but right now I feel as if I'm not balancing all of this well (didn't I already write a post about this? LOL) My friend told me today that after the 1st year the balancing gets easier....really? I hope so!

I stayed up late on Saturday (2 a.m.) just to relax my hair (Rosanna - that's for you!). My hubby is almost finished with the new bathroom downstairs and I'd love to take a long soak with bubble and wine....right after the baby stops teething and refusing to eat (that's the last 24 hours).

In related news - we're preparing for our car trip to D.C. and Atlanta. I'm frantic about having all the appropriate baby gear and enough food (how do I keep the milk cold), diapers, etc. What can we buy once there as opposed to lugging with us? Will he survive the long drive? Will we survive? I'm looking forward to all the family time but so anxious about the packing!!!

Anyway...I am really loving my new role as mommy! Baby Ngwa is so precious and easy to love. He's become incredibly active and strong! It is already difficult to keep up with him and he's not even walking yet, although I see that right around the corner.

I need to transfer photos from iphone to email so I can post the latest.....stay tuned.....

Time flying by!

Been too busy to blog, so here's a brief note:

Every mother always says "Enjoy your baby before you know it he will be so big. Time flies by so quickly."  Intellectually, of course, I understood what those statements mean. Emotionally, I'm not prepared!

He now sits up, pulls himself up to standing, crawls fast, and has 2 additional teeth growing! AND we're buying a bigger car seat because he's outgrown the "baby" one and we want him to be comfortable for our road trip down south. He has tons of sounds, many of which sound like words "go" "ow" and "ma" are the 3 we think we hear! OMG! I'm not ready!

I'll post pictures this weekend.

Shopping, spending and saving?

How come, even when I stick to my list, I still spend over $100 at Target?
How come none of the coupons in my paper ate for things I need or want to buy?
How come I can't resist buying cute baby clothes not on sale?
How come the healthy food is more expensive than the cheaper food?
At risk of outing my political leanings (or at the risk of sounding like I lean in a direction I don't)....How come there's no benefit/assistance for educated professionals who are trying to make it all work out without teaching 3 extra classes!?

Yes, I'm grocery, household shopping today and feeling grouchy! LOL! So much for my previous posts about the "sunny side" ha-ha-ha!

Oh, maybe grouchy becuz credit card info was stolen and now some fact guys from India calling to say I owe for some loan I took out (which I didn't)! UGH!

Remembering Why

Memory and rememebring has become more and more important to me as I see my mom losing her memory (5 years + now). Yesterday I discovered that she is able to remember many negative and "bad" events from long ago and yesterday but yet cannot remember what she ate for breakfast or our wedding or that she got to hold her grandson when he was just 3 weeks old! Alzheimer's is baffling and annoying and I keep trying to hang in there! Memory is important to me and remembering the why to keep me motivated is equally important.

Last night I was reminded why I was 1st attracted to J and why we got married. It was such a nice moment! He came home from work early because he really wanted to mow the lawn and put the tile down in the bathroom he is building downstairs (his ability to build things came as an extra bonus once I said "I do"). Usefully when he wants to do house-work he wants to get to it, not procrastinate, and be done! Anyway...the baby kept reaching out for him (obviously wanting to spend time with daddy), so J changed his clothes and took the baby for a walk up the street, fed him, is played with him! It was an "awwwww" and "YAY!" moment rolled into 1. It's really sweet and a reminder to me that one of the reasons I love J and got married to him is because he can be so sweet and attentive and loving! He has a strong commitment to family, which is important to me, and we (me and the baby) come first! :-)

Thanks for the feedback on hiring help. I think I'm going to go for it and hire someone to come every 2 weeks. Part of my resistance was that J would object and the other part is my constant desire to be a different kind of mother than my mom was (are we all trying to be different than our moms). My mom has numerous strengths (very smart, great educator, amazing social worker, fantastic mommy, caring, loving, good cook) but housekeeping was not one of them (this included not being able to sew costumes, make anything for the bake sale, etc.).  I unconsciously at first then very consciously decided I wanted to be more "home-maker-like" than she had been. So that meant no hired help! Well, to hell with that! I'm tired and need help! :-)

I'm grading papers now and need to be reminded why I wanted to be an educator! Oh! Because it was what my mommy did and she had so much fun doing it! and to encourage and nurture young people to be social activists for positive change and save the world (hee-hee-hee)....despite the fact that their writing is not so great! And I am sure there are lots of social activists who are doing good work who cannot write to save their own lives! Right?!

Here's to remembering why and staying motivated, focused, and inspired!