So earlier today I wanted a fairy Godmother who would grant me more time to blog and tweet...or maybe I wanted the fairy Godmother to blog and tweet for me...Well, now I have some extra time to blog. I don't have extra time really, it's just that I'm stuck in the ER with hubby...ironically our department has been plagued with ill husbands in emergency situations! Why is that? Who knows really! I'm the 4th wife with a hubby who was rushed to the ER this semester and we're not quite 1/2 way through the semester yet....
Last week I thought he had the flu. He had a pounding headache and body aches. I felt guilty for meeting a friend for drinks. Then the severe stomach cramps started. Then he left work early 3 days in a row and he wasn't hungry! What the hell is going on?
8 a.m.: So I made him a doctor's appointment (despite his protests). He went, they drew blood, poked him, sent him home with something for gastritis and a cup to collect a stool sample (yucky)!
5:45 p.m.: Early evening I say "I think we should check your temperature just to be sure." The doc had said to check it and if it went above 101 to call the office. This is my mommy instinctt kicking in for the benefit of the hubby. He protests, I take his temperature and start packing an overnight bag for him and putting the bay in his PJs and preparing for what I assume will be a long night.
6 p.m.: 105 degrees! And we're off to the ER (as per the nurse in the doctor's office). He's sweating, can barely walk or stand up straight, his eyes look weird and he isn't talking very loudly (not that he ever speaks loudly). The triage/admissions nurse gets funky with us for not managing the fever at home with acetaminophen. I get funky right back and say "My doctorate is in education not in medicine and the nurse sent us here and I suppose if there's a problem you can call her for further explanation. But I'm sure if she thought we could manage the fever at home we wouldn't' be here."
7 p.m. Approx. 600 mg of acetaminophin to bring down the fever....
11 p.m.: Several hours later (if you've been to the ER you know how this works), we're getting hooked up to IV, being sent off to get an X Ray and I'm grateful that ironically our neighbors are there (well, not ironically....long story...grandpa had a stroke Sunday night and got rushed to ER, he's up in ICU holding on....) because they end up taking baby boy home so he can sleep uninterrupted by the girl in the next bed who I think took someone else's Vicodin and is now screaming for pain meds (uh? what?) and is being obnoxious beyond belief. PLUS the other guy needs a social worker (oh! wait, that's me) because he tried to O.D. and his handcuffed (not sure why?) to his hospital ER bed....maybe I could go do an assessment....or not....then the guy who just woke up from a seizure and is playing with his iphone, ipad, and kindle...his mom keeps asking what each gadget is for!
2 a.m.: Going to get X Ray and/or CT Scan (same thing maybe?). I'm surfing the internet looking up possible diagnosis. I've narrowed it down to a few.
4 a.m.: You have a kidney infection, here's 2 prescriptions, and you're free to go home, follow up with your primary care.
5 a.m.: Driving home, picking baby up from neighbors, going to get 30 minutes sleep....maybe because baby always wakes up at 6 a.m.! :-)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Fairy God mother
Where's the fairy Godmother who is supposed to help me so that I can blog and tweet full-time instead of cleaning my house, grading papers, caring for sick hubby, and playing with baby boy on my Monday off?! I tired clicking my heels 3 times and I rubbed a pumpkin (or is it supposed to be rub a lamp?). I have 3 blogs in draft that I want to finish and post....can I get s ghost writer if the fairy Godmother doesn't show up....blogging & tweeting are more fun than grading papers and drafting an IRB for a research project.....real blog post coming soon....just taking a quick break to ask if anyone has a fairy Godmother I can borrow, and if yes, does she also help with housework and personal grooming?
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I am the social work lady who is human
Do social workers need to be "on" all the time?
When I lived, worked, and attended school in Atlanta I spent quite a bit of time walking in downtown. Like most urban downtown cities Atlanta has its share of homeless folks. I am not bothered by homelessness (well, I'm bothered that it exists and as a social worker want everyone to have adequate housing, but I'm not bothered in a "Oh go away" type of bothered). Anyway...if a person on the street who was likely to be homeless spoke to me I spoke back; depending on my mood and the circumstance I might hand over a couple of dollars or loose change. I even found myself in a heated debate with a man one time over the virtues of giving money to the homeless. He said I needed to do more to help humanity. Much to his dismay I had had a difficult day of seeing non-compliant clients and was on my way to a night class for which I was not prepared. I snapped at him that I was a social worker and well understood the plight of the oppressed and down-trodden and didn't need him to give me a lecture about my moral duties! Well, from that day on anytime he saw me he would yell out "Hey social worker lady" and laugh, which would make me laugh. I often bought him lunch, chatted with him about how he got to be homeless, etc.
Anyway...today while walking my son in the park (a new activity as I'm trying to loss the pregnancy weight that remains on my body), two men began engaging me in a conversation about my son. I think they were flirting, but anyway...the conversation turned to me helping them with money for the bus and dinner. I happened to be walking in the park that is across the street from where our family attends church. Every night of the week a different organization prepares and serves dinner. So I referred the men across the street as it was dinner time (this was just about 30 minutes ago). Wrong thing to do I suppose. Because they began a rant about why people never really wanted to help their fellow man and just because they were hanging out in the park didn't mean they were homeless, etc., etc., etc. I recalled the day I snapped at the man in Atlanta and instead said "My son and I will be happy to escort you to the church for dinner, but we do not give money to people we don't know. I'm also happy to write down for you an agency in town that can help you on an ongoing basis." (the social worker in me at work).
One of the guys said "You must be a social worker or something." and they both began to laugh! I said "I am a social worker and very proud to be so, and the offer still stands." They didn't take me up on my offer but I did see them walking towards the church, hopefully they ate a yummy dinner.
I am the social worker lady who sometimes has no patience for helping others (shame on me right) and other times can't help myself from helping others. After all, I am human and sometimes I am not "on" my social worker game! Oh well...I try.
When I lived, worked, and attended school in Atlanta I spent quite a bit of time walking in downtown. Like most urban downtown cities Atlanta has its share of homeless folks. I am not bothered by homelessness (well, I'm bothered that it exists and as a social worker want everyone to have adequate housing, but I'm not bothered in a "Oh go away" type of bothered). Anyway...if a person on the street who was likely to be homeless spoke to me I spoke back; depending on my mood and the circumstance I might hand over a couple of dollars or loose change. I even found myself in a heated debate with a man one time over the virtues of giving money to the homeless. He said I needed to do more to help humanity. Much to his dismay I had had a difficult day of seeing non-compliant clients and was on my way to a night class for which I was not prepared. I snapped at him that I was a social worker and well understood the plight of the oppressed and down-trodden and didn't need him to give me a lecture about my moral duties! Well, from that day on anytime he saw me he would yell out "Hey social worker lady" and laugh, which would make me laugh. I often bought him lunch, chatted with him about how he got to be homeless, etc.
Anyway...today while walking my son in the park (a new activity as I'm trying to loss the pregnancy weight that remains on my body), two men began engaging me in a conversation about my son. I think they were flirting, but anyway...the conversation turned to me helping them with money for the bus and dinner. I happened to be walking in the park that is across the street from where our family attends church. Every night of the week a different organization prepares and serves dinner. So I referred the men across the street as it was dinner time (this was just about 30 minutes ago). Wrong thing to do I suppose. Because they began a rant about why people never really wanted to help their fellow man and just because they were hanging out in the park didn't mean they were homeless, etc., etc., etc. I recalled the day I snapped at the man in Atlanta and instead said "My son and I will be happy to escort you to the church for dinner, but we do not give money to people we don't know. I'm also happy to write down for you an agency in town that can help you on an ongoing basis." (the social worker in me at work).
One of the guys said "You must be a social worker or something." and they both began to laugh! I said "I am a social worker and very proud to be so, and the offer still stands." They didn't take me up on my offer but I did see them walking towards the church, hopefully they ate a yummy dinner.
I am the social worker lady who sometimes has no patience for helping others (shame on me right) and other times can't help myself from helping others. After all, I am human and sometimes I am not "on" my social worker game! Oh well...I try.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
May Our Children Have Greater Peace
I thought I would not watch all of the remembrances of 9/11 - just too sad. But of course, I'm drawn in and we're talking about where we were, how we felt, who we knew, etc. And then James Taylor comes on and begins to sing. The tears begin to flow and I clutch my baby boy and pray out loud that he may grow up in a world more peaceful and loving than my world. That he may enjoy greater freedom with less intrusive safety. And that he may not know trauma and drama. All utopian wishes I know, but a mother can only hope and pray...May God watch over all of us and keep us from harm and may we learn to celebrate and enjoy each other as opposed to judging and fighting. I want to leave this world richer than it was when I came in and I want my son to know no war or conflict....May we heal and keep moving forward!
Friday, September 2, 2011
This week’s news in child care adventures
Baby’s daycare is closed this week because this is the week the teacher’s do all of their in-service training and cleaning, etc. In my opinion it is a stupid week to be closed because it is the week school begins and it forces parents to take vacation at an inconvenient time. For me it was bad because it’s the week I have all kinds of meetings, orientations, preparation because classes begin next week. But nobody really asked my opinion…So we had to get creative with baby-care this week.
Monday he came on campus with me and charmed everyone around! All my co-workers including my Director were kind and supportive and loving to baby. Of course, this is not a regular option!
Tuesday my co-worker and her spouse watched him. I left to go conduct an orientation meeting and my phone rang 30 minutes into the training. Baby had been crying and fussing for an hour, what should they do? Oh Lord! Take him for a walk and start walking this way (co-worker lives on campus) and if he is still fussing he’ll just have to sit in the meeting with me. Why didn’t’ daddy stay home with baby? Tuesdays happens to be the day that daddy has back-to-back meetings and presentations and he used up most of his vacation on our summer road trip. Why don’t we have a babysitter? Because we’re nervous unprepared new parents who haven’t searched, interviewed, or hired anyone….yet….Anyway, baby was fine after a brief walk and feeding and a crisis was averted. I felt bad, my co-worker felt bad, baby was fine!
Wednesday we stayed home, went to the mall, walked along the river, had a good day.
Thursday, daddy stayed home with baby. It was the 1st day that he had stayed with him ALL day (6:30 a.m.-10 p.m.). I left home feeling anxious and sad. I only called twice. And in the end daddy was fine and so was baby. AND daddy got to see what some of my days are like!
Today, baby and I are hanging out and eventually we’ll hit the grocery store and Kohls (mommy needs some pants!). Have I said how much I LOVE spending time with baby and also how much I appreciate having him be in daycare! LOL! Some days I want to quit my job and be a mommy full-time without working outside of home and other days I look forward to going to my job.....
Lesson: get over myself and search for a babysitter!
Side-note: Not sure about Sarah Jessica Parker's new movie "How Does She Do It?" If it shows her doing it all well I'm gonna be pissed and sending off my 1st letter to a movie studio...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Just my rambling on about preparing for a hurricane
So I grew up in earthquake country also known as California. So I got used to not being able to prepare for that unexpected natural event. Fire safety was drilled into our heads, so I think I know how to avoid starting a fire but really am unsure what to do if my house catches on fire (maybe J and I should discuss that soon....just in case).
I moved to GA and experienced tornadoes and learned where to hunker down and what to bring with me into the "bunker."It's good to have an Army reservist as a room-mate who believes in being prepared and owns a battery operated transistor radio. I also learned about winter ice there because it rarely snowed - everything just froze!
I moved to New England and have weathered some what I consider to be bad snow storms. I've mastered driving in the white stuff and am even capable of shoveling it! I know to take extra clothing + blanket to work in case I get stuck; and to use kitty litter if I get stuck in a parking space....or at least I think I know how to handle snow and snow storms!
A hurricane seems like a different beast, especially with a 9 month old. J and I used to ride out power outages by eating out in the next town over and cuddling. Don't think we're supposed to be out in a hurricane and I think we need power for the baby's sake. So I've done the following:
1. asked J to get a generator (maybe he will....maybe he won't.....inBetween herein lies what you just blogged about!)
2. Bought water, flashlights, batteries, candles, matches. ready to drink formula, adult snacks.....
3. Packed everyone an overnight bag, which now includes extra diapers, wipes, plush toy + rattle and soft books, first aid kit
4. Cleared space in basement office in case that's where we end up having to sleep....thinking about making a reservation at the local hotel...just in case....
5. What else?
I guess 1938 and 1991 were bad years around here, so I want to be prepared. After all there was an earthquake in VA that was felt for several states up and across! Earthquakes aren't supposed to happen in VA and as far as I'm concerned hurricanes should stay out in the oceans and not come to New England - we get almost 6 months of snow! Give us a break!
Stay tuned for "How babies break the racial barriers adults set up" :-)
I moved to GA and experienced tornadoes and learned where to hunker down and what to bring with me into the "bunker."It's good to have an Army reservist as a room-mate who believes in being prepared and owns a battery operated transistor radio. I also learned about winter ice there because it rarely snowed - everything just froze!
I moved to New England and have weathered some what I consider to be bad snow storms. I've mastered driving in the white stuff and am even capable of shoveling it! I know to take extra clothing + blanket to work in case I get stuck; and to use kitty litter if I get stuck in a parking space....or at least I think I know how to handle snow and snow storms!
A hurricane seems like a different beast, especially with a 9 month old. J and I used to ride out power outages by eating out in the next town over and cuddling. Don't think we're supposed to be out in a hurricane and I think we need power for the baby's sake. So I've done the following:
1. asked J to get a generator (maybe he will....maybe he won't.....inBetween herein lies what you just blogged about!)
2. Bought water, flashlights, batteries, candles, matches. ready to drink formula, adult snacks.....
3. Packed everyone an overnight bag, which now includes extra diapers, wipes, plush toy + rattle and soft books, first aid kit
4. Cleared space in basement office in case that's where we end up having to sleep....thinking about making a reservation at the local hotel...just in case....
5. What else?
I guess 1938 and 1991 were bad years around here, so I want to be prepared. After all there was an earthquake in VA that was felt for several states up and across! Earthquakes aren't supposed to happen in VA and as far as I'm concerned hurricanes should stay out in the oceans and not come to New England - we get almost 6 months of snow! Give us a break!
Stay tuned for "How babies break the racial barriers adults set up" :-)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
New School Year Resolutions
I know that people traditionally make resolutions on or near January 1st. I tend to make resolutions twice a year: on or near my birthday and in August or September when the new school year begins!
My resolutions:
1. Continue to love and care for baby; watch him grow; try not to over-react when another kid bites him (happened this week)
2. Find more time for hubby (it would be nice to have a date night....once a month maybe???)
3. Find more time for mommy (yea, right) - can I get my nails done?
4. Grade all my student's papers on time
5. Remember my student's names (I usually do pretty good with this)
6. Keep my office clean (ha-ha-ha-ha) - the university should offer personalized maid service!
7. Breathe before I speak and maybe also count to 100....
8. Mind my own business; don't give unsolicited advice (don't give advice, period), no gossip
9. show appreciation out loud for those I care about & for those I see doing "good stuff" - I think everyone likes to be acknowledged
10. Remember all the things my mommy told me growing up and live by them - she's a smart woman! And call her more often to give her updates!
Grandma & Baby in Atlanta, July 2011
11. And...do all that other stuff I'm supposed to do for tenure, etc.
My resolutions:
1. Continue to love and care for baby; watch him grow; try not to over-react when another kid bites him (happened this week)
2. Find more time for hubby (it would be nice to have a date night....once a month maybe???)
3. Find more time for mommy (yea, right) - can I get my nails done?
4. Grade all my student's papers on time
5. Remember my student's names (I usually do pretty good with this)
6. Keep my office clean (ha-ha-ha-ha) - the university should offer personalized maid service!
7. Breathe before I speak and maybe also count to 100....
8. Mind my own business; don't give unsolicited advice (don't give advice, period), no gossip
9. show appreciation out loud for those I care about & for those I see doing "good stuff" - I think everyone likes to be acknowledged
10. Remember all the things my mommy told me growing up and live by them - she's a smart woman! And call her more often to give her updates!
Grandma & Baby in Atlanta, July 201111. And...do all that other stuff I'm supposed to do for tenure, etc.
Monday, August 15, 2011
On Not Being Able/Willing to do the "Balancing/Multi-tasking" Act
September is right around the corner. I know this because our state just had it's "tax-free" weekend so people could run out and buy their back-to-school items and some other items not related to school (washers, dryers, big screen televisions, etc.). We don't do back-to-school shopping yet. What I do is back-to-school panic! I am fortunate enough because of ym faculty job to kind of have all summer off (I do teach summer school but it's optional so I don't count it as "work" although it definitely is working...)
I panic because mid-August hits and I say out loud to anyone who will listen "What happened to my 3 months? And why did I not finish 1 project that I was supposed to begin this summer?" It is disappointing but also puts me in a panic. I am on tenure-track, not yet tenured and need to be doing some serious work. Most of which I intended to do this summer, AND (not but) we went on vacation with our baby for the 1st time, spent quality time with friends and family, spent more time with baby, and got some cleaning done. So I wrote the following about balancing/multi-tasking and trying to do it all (it's in draft form); it's kind of long because it's going to a journal soon...
I panic because mid-August hits and I say out loud to anyone who will listen "What happened to my 3 months? And why did I not finish 1 project that I was supposed to begin this summer?" It is disappointing but also puts me in a panic. I am on tenure-track, not yet tenured and need to be doing some serious work. Most of which I intended to do this summer, AND (not but) we went on vacation with our baby for the 1st time, spent quality time with friends and family, spent more time with baby, and got some cleaning done. So I wrote the following about balancing/multi-tasking and trying to do it all (it's in draft form); it's kind of long because it's going to a journal soon...
I am late in submitting my book chapter, I should have started my reappointment portfolio a month ago, I have not checked voice-mail messages in over 1 week, I am avoiding running the stats from my survey project, and my baby just woke up from a nap so I gotta go tend to him (which means it will be another few days before I get back to this opinion piece which has been waiting to be written for 9 months now)!
It seems that being good at multi-tasking is an admirable trait these days. The ability to send an email while taking a telephone call and making dinner is often applauded. The apparent ability to multi-task (despite the studies say that we should not encourage it in our children) helps one be more productive and keep things balanced. I am so over trying to multi-task and balance the different aspects of my life that need balancing. Something has got to give, but what?
For a couple of decades now women (and men also) have been debating the work-outside-the-home mom vs. work-i- the-home-mom (formerly known as “stay-at-home-mom). I have come to realize that an individual’s stance on this issue may change as she or he progresses through life stages and perhaps has a child of her or his own, losses a job, witnesses a spouse loss a job, job become more fulfilling than imagined, etc. In my younger days (pre-Ph.D. completion) I fantasized about being a stay-at-home mom. I also fantasized about being married to a wealthy international businessman and jaunting off on weekend trips around the world, starting a fabulous non-profit to help women and children in impoverished regions, teaching the world to read, meeting my equally wealthy girlfriends for days of service and toting our babies around to political rallies in stylish clothing not made by child laborers! It is nice to dream from time to time and then reality hits (or I win the lottery which I do not currently play).
My current fantasy is about not doing the balancing act. Our family recently took a trip south to visit family and friends. My Godmother awed out loud at my ability to be up, showered, dressed, and making breakfast for everyone while keeping our 9 month entertained at 8 a.m. I smiled proudly and said “Yea, and you should see me when I’m working.” What? Am I insane? Why was I proudly smiling and bragging that I can do this or better when school is in session? I must be losing my mind or suffering from what I call summer amnesia! When school is in session and I am teaching a full load, working towards tenure, struggling to maintain some type of social connection with my friends, struggling to be a doting wife and now an attentive mommy and I am TIRED! Why the hell am I trying to balance it all? Oh! Because someone told me that this is what the modern-day woman is supposed to do. My grandmother stayed home and from time to time worked part-time, but was mostly a mom and wife. My mother was at the opposite end of the spectrum. She hired a live-in nanny/housekeeper and focused on her career. I thought I wanted to balance both of those lifestyles.
Who am I kidding?! Just working towards tenure is a full-time job, not to mention that my teaching load is a full-time job aside from advising, sitting on committees, working in the community, and did I mention that sometimes I want to eat, take a shower, or dare I say it – get my hair or nails done???
The pressure is obviously self-imposed. And society also has this expectation that women who choose to work outside of their homes and have families will balance it all out. In some other economic era we might have been able to hire help, but then I would not truly be balancing it all myself – that’s kind of like cheating right? Or is it? I feel as if I have arrived at some point in life where some serious decisions need to be made about what is most important. Duh! My spouse and baby of course, and in order to help maintain our family unit I have to work (because we are not independently wealthy nor have we won the lottery), which given my educational background means teaching, advising, service, publishing, etc. So maybe the answer is to choose another career? Maybe I’m just having a mid-life pre-tenure crisis! But I am serious about the fact that I am done trying to balance it all…I do not yet know what, but something is going to have to give.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Ectopic Pregnancy Survey
My colleague and I are beginning to collect stories from women who have experienced an ectopic pregnancy. To learn more or refer someone go to
My new found fear: A mother's anxiety kicks in!
I've been meaning to get these thoughts out there sooner, but motherhood often calls! LOL!
The "random" (news media description) violence around the world has me on edge. When we first learned we were having a baby boy my heart and soul was filled with joy! All kinds of future moments flashed through my head - soccer, baseball, deodorant, hiking, teaching manners & gentleness, first dates, etc, etc...As my due date approached I became deeply reflective about the fact that I was about to give birth to a boy of African descent in the United States! That thought filled me with all kinds of emotion, but primarily I instinctively became "protective" and "cautious." Glad to be married and have a positive male figure firmly planted in our son's life, I smiled and labored on. As my pregnancy went on I quickly forgot those thoughts as other things were taking precedence; until recently...
Flash mob violence in Philadelphia, the cop-killing of a schizophrenic man in Orange County, CA, racial tensions and violence in London, unrest in Syria, seemingly random violent home invasions in my home state and surrounding states,children killing teachers, etc. have me afraid. I'm not afraid of much - snakes maybe, but not much else. I wasn't scared to fly after Sept. 11th 2001, I'm not afraid to go to new or different places, I am not afraid of strangers (although I probably should be!)...I cannot help but think about the world I have brought my child into. Some people choose not to have children because they truly believe the world is too violent and unstable to raise a child appropriately. I do not believe that, but I am concerned.
Will there be more peace or more violence when he enters school? Will racial and religious discrimination still be prominent? Will I have to teach him about prejudice and why some people dislike others because of the color of their skin? Will I stay up late worrying about how/where he is when he goes out with friends? Will I become a crazy mom who either does not let her child go anywhere or monitors his whereabouts every 15 minutes?
My parents taught me no fear! They taught me how to be happy, how to go after my dreams, how to treat others well, how to be proud and succeed. They did not teach me about prejudice or discrimination. I learned on my own through a difficult experience in middle school. After which my parents had a lot to say on the topic! I grew up slightly sheltered and protected. I do not think that's an option in today's world...unless we move to Cameroon, which would have it's on set of problems right?
It seems so early in his life for me to be worried about such things - his interactions with others, the possibility of discrimination, being a victim of violence, etc., etc., etc. but this is what mothers do right? Worry! I do not want to prohibit him in anyway from doing whatever will allow him to grow and be happy, but already I am feeling very protective and that instinct comes from my experience(s), my deep love for him, my knowledge of this world, and well....a healthy dose of new found fear (partly based on my son's gender, partly based on his racial identity, partly based because of some weird mother-thing that just happened to me recently)!
Where's the assurance policy that states my son will live a happy, productive, worry-free, trouble-free, prejudice and discrimination-free, successful life and that his parents will not ever have to worry about him? I may have missed the fine print on the Gerber College/Life Insurance Plan application....did anyone else see it?
The "random" (news media description) violence around the world has me on edge. When we first learned we were having a baby boy my heart and soul was filled with joy! All kinds of future moments flashed through my head - soccer, baseball, deodorant, hiking, teaching manners & gentleness, first dates, etc, etc...As my due date approached I became deeply reflective about the fact that I was about to give birth to a boy of African descent in the United States! That thought filled me with all kinds of emotion, but primarily I instinctively became "protective" and "cautious." Glad to be married and have a positive male figure firmly planted in our son's life, I smiled and labored on. As my pregnancy went on I quickly forgot those thoughts as other things were taking precedence; until recently...
Flash mob violence in Philadelphia, the cop-killing of a schizophrenic man in Orange County, CA, racial tensions and violence in London, unrest in Syria, seemingly random violent home invasions in my home state and surrounding states,children killing teachers, etc. have me afraid. I'm not afraid of much - snakes maybe, but not much else. I wasn't scared to fly after Sept. 11th 2001, I'm not afraid to go to new or different places, I am not afraid of strangers (although I probably should be!)...I cannot help but think about the world I have brought my child into. Some people choose not to have children because they truly believe the world is too violent and unstable to raise a child appropriately. I do not believe that, but I am concerned.
Will there be more peace or more violence when he enters school? Will racial and religious discrimination still be prominent? Will I have to teach him about prejudice and why some people dislike others because of the color of their skin? Will I stay up late worrying about how/where he is when he goes out with friends? Will I become a crazy mom who either does not let her child go anywhere or monitors his whereabouts every 15 minutes?
My parents taught me no fear! They taught me how to be happy, how to go after my dreams, how to treat others well, how to be proud and succeed. They did not teach me about prejudice or discrimination. I learned on my own through a difficult experience in middle school. After which my parents had a lot to say on the topic! I grew up slightly sheltered and protected. I do not think that's an option in today's world...unless we move to Cameroon, which would have it's on set of problems right?
It seems so early in his life for me to be worried about such things - his interactions with others, the possibility of discrimination, being a victim of violence, etc., etc., etc. but this is what mothers do right? Worry! I do not want to prohibit him in anyway from doing whatever will allow him to grow and be happy, but already I am feeling very protective and that instinct comes from my experience(s), my deep love for him, my knowledge of this world, and well....a healthy dose of new found fear (partly based on my son's gender, partly based on his racial identity, partly based because of some weird mother-thing that just happened to me recently)!
Where's the assurance policy that states my son will live a happy, productive, worry-free, trouble-free, prejudice and discrimination-free, successful life and that his parents will not ever have to worry about him? I may have missed the fine print on the Gerber College/Life Insurance Plan application....did anyone else see it?
Monday, June 27, 2011
Calgon Take Me Away
Does anyone remember the "Calgon take me away" commercials? That's how I feel today!
Summer in New England is BUSY! After months of being stuck inside or being limited to outdoor activities because of snow, etc. there is A LOT to do in the summer. Our weekends are packed with more than 2 invitations for events (weddings, graduations, cook-outs, etc.). In the African community each event requires cooking something to bring and share (no cheese and crackers or fruit platters for this crowd). So I find myself cooking twice a weekend for some event. I enjoy it and like to contribute to my friend's lives in this way, but with a 7 month old it is often a bit much.
AND as soon as we thought we had our son's sleeping patterns, etc. figured out he had the audacity (ha-ha-ha) to begin to grow 4 teeth at the same time (this has kept him up or kept him waking up for the last 3 nights).
Did I mention that my niece had an 8 a.m. flight to San Fran to start her new job at Google?
*sigh* and "AAHHH" all at once!
So my scholarship work that needs to get done as I enter the 2 years before tenure is not really getting done. I'm slightly nervous, but always go back to "I don't mind having to work at Target and Starbucks." I'm barely keeping up with the grading for my intensive 6 week summer school class...and trying to prep for the next 6 week summer school class (both of which I'm teaching so we can feel comfortable financially given our new precious family member).
I want to set a good example for my baby son (women can work and be good mommies and wives), but right now I feel as if I'm not balancing all of this well (didn't I already write a post about this? LOL) My friend told me today that after the 1st year the balancing gets easier....really? I hope so!
I stayed up late on Saturday (2 a.m.) just to relax my hair (Rosanna - that's for you!). My hubby is almost finished with the new bathroom downstairs and I'd love to take a long soak with bubble and wine....right after the baby stops teething and refusing to eat (that's the last 24 hours).
In related news - we're preparing for our car trip to D.C. and Atlanta. I'm frantic about having all the appropriate baby gear and enough food (how do I keep the milk cold), diapers, etc. What can we buy once there as opposed to lugging with us? Will he survive the long drive? Will we survive? I'm looking forward to all the family time but so anxious about the packing!!!
Anyway...I am really loving my new role as mommy! Baby Ngwa is so precious and easy to love. He's become incredibly active and strong! It is already difficult to keep up with him and he's not even walking yet, although I see that right around the corner.
I need to transfer photos from iphone to email so I can post the latest.....stay tuned.....
Summer in New England is BUSY! After months of being stuck inside or being limited to outdoor activities because of snow, etc. there is A LOT to do in the summer. Our weekends are packed with more than 2 invitations for events (weddings, graduations, cook-outs, etc.). In the African community each event requires cooking something to bring and share (no cheese and crackers or fruit platters for this crowd). So I find myself cooking twice a weekend for some event. I enjoy it and like to contribute to my friend's lives in this way, but with a 7 month old it is often a bit much.
AND as soon as we thought we had our son's sleeping patterns, etc. figured out he had the audacity (ha-ha-ha) to begin to grow 4 teeth at the same time (this has kept him up or kept him waking up for the last 3 nights).
Did I mention that my niece had an 8 a.m. flight to San Fran to start her new job at Google?
*sigh* and "AAHHH" all at once!
So my scholarship work that needs to get done as I enter the 2 years before tenure is not really getting done. I'm slightly nervous, but always go back to "I don't mind having to work at Target and Starbucks." I'm barely keeping up with the grading for my intensive 6 week summer school class...and trying to prep for the next 6 week summer school class (both of which I'm teaching so we can feel comfortable financially given our new precious family member).
I want to set a good example for my baby son (women can work and be good mommies and wives), but right now I feel as if I'm not balancing all of this well (didn't I already write a post about this? LOL) My friend told me today that after the 1st year the balancing gets easier....really? I hope so!
I stayed up late on Saturday (2 a.m.) just to relax my hair (Rosanna - that's for you!). My hubby is almost finished with the new bathroom downstairs and I'd love to take a long soak with bubble and wine....right after the baby stops teething and refusing to eat (that's the last 24 hours).
In related news - we're preparing for our car trip to D.C. and Atlanta. I'm frantic about having all the appropriate baby gear and enough food (how do I keep the milk cold), diapers, etc. What can we buy once there as opposed to lugging with us? Will he survive the long drive? Will we survive? I'm looking forward to all the family time but so anxious about the packing!!!
Anyway...I am really loving my new role as mommy! Baby Ngwa is so precious and easy to love. He's become incredibly active and strong! It is already difficult to keep up with him and he's not even walking yet, although I see that right around the corner.
I need to transfer photos from iphone to email so I can post the latest.....stay tuned.....
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Time flying by!
Been too busy to blog, so here's a brief note:
Every mother always says "Enjoy your baby before you know it he will be so big. Time flies by so quickly." Intellectually, of course, I understood what those statements mean. Emotionally, I'm not prepared!
He now sits up, pulls himself up to standing, crawls fast, and has 2 additional teeth growing! AND we're buying a bigger car seat because he's outgrown the "baby" one and we want him to be comfortable for our road trip down south. He has tons of sounds, many of which sound like words "go" "ow" and "ma" are the 3 we think we hear! OMG! I'm not ready!
I'll post pictures this weekend.
Every mother always says "Enjoy your baby before you know it he will be so big. Time flies by so quickly." Intellectually, of course, I understood what those statements mean. Emotionally, I'm not prepared!
He now sits up, pulls himself up to standing, crawls fast, and has 2 additional teeth growing! AND we're buying a bigger car seat because he's outgrown the "baby" one and we want him to be comfortable for our road trip down south. He has tons of sounds, many of which sound like words "go" "ow" and "ma" are the 3 we think we hear! OMG! I'm not ready!
I'll post pictures this weekend.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Shopping, spending and saving?
How come, even when I stick to my list, I still spend over $100 at Target?
How come none of the coupons in my paper ate for things I need or want to buy?
How come I can't resist buying cute baby clothes not on sale?
How come the healthy food is more expensive than the cheaper food?
At risk of outing my political leanings (or at the risk of sounding like I lean in a direction I don't)....How come there's no benefit/assistance for educated professionals who are trying to make it all work out without teaching 3 extra classes!?
Yes, I'm grocery, household shopping today and feeling grouchy! LOL! So much for my previous posts about the "sunny side" ha-ha-ha!
Oh, maybe grouchy becuz credit card info was stolen and now some fact guys from India calling to say I owe for some loan I took out (which I didn't)! UGH!
How come none of the coupons in my paper ate for things I need or want to buy?
How come I can't resist buying cute baby clothes not on sale?
How come the healthy food is more expensive than the cheaper food?
At risk of outing my political leanings (or at the risk of sounding like I lean in a direction I don't)....How come there's no benefit/assistance for educated professionals who are trying to make it all work out without teaching 3 extra classes!?
Yes, I'm grocery, household shopping today and feeling grouchy! LOL! So much for my previous posts about the "sunny side" ha-ha-ha!
Oh, maybe grouchy becuz credit card info was stolen and now some fact guys from India calling to say I owe for some loan I took out (which I didn't)! UGH!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Remembering Why
Memory and rememebring has become more and more important to me as I see my mom losing her memory (5 years + now). Yesterday I discovered that she is able to remember many negative and "bad" events from long ago and yesterday but yet cannot remember what she ate for breakfast or our wedding or that she got to hold her grandson when he was just 3 weeks old! Alzheimer's is baffling and annoying and I keep trying to hang in there! Memory is important to me and remembering the why to keep me motivated is equally important.
Last night I was reminded why I was 1st attracted to J and why we got married. It was such a nice moment! He came home from work early because he really wanted to mow the lawn and put the tile down in the bathroom he is building downstairs (his ability to build things came as an extra bonus once I said "I do"). Usefully when he wants to do house-work he wants to get to it, not procrastinate, and be done! Anyway...the baby kept reaching out for him (obviously wanting to spend time with daddy), so J changed his clothes and took the baby for a walk up the street, fed him, is played with him! It was an "awwwww" and "YAY!" moment rolled into 1. It's really sweet and a reminder to me that one of the reasons I love J and got married to him is because he can be so sweet and attentive and loving! He has a strong commitment to family, which is important to me, and we (me and the baby) come first! :-)
Thanks for the feedback on hiring help. I think I'm going to go for it and hire someone to come every 2 weeks. Part of my resistance was that J would object and the other part is my constant desire to be a different kind of mother than my mom was (are we all trying to be different than our moms). My mom has numerous strengths (very smart, great educator, amazing social worker, fantastic mommy, caring, loving, good cook) but housekeeping was not one of them (this included not being able to sew costumes, make anything for the bake sale, etc.). I unconsciously at first then very consciously decided I wanted to be more "home-maker-like" than she had been. So that meant no hired help! Well, to hell with that! I'm tired and need help! :-)
I'm grading papers now and need to be reminded why I wanted to be an educator! Oh! Because it was what my mommy did and she had so much fun doing it! and to encourage and nurture young people to be social activists for positive change and save the world (hee-hee-hee)....despite the fact that their writing is not so great! And I am sure there are lots of social activists who are doing good work who cannot write to save their own lives! Right?!
Here's to remembering why and staying motivated, focused, and inspired!
Last night I was reminded why I was 1st attracted to J and why we got married. It was such a nice moment! He came home from work early because he really wanted to mow the lawn and put the tile down in the bathroom he is building downstairs (his ability to build things came as an extra bonus once I said "I do"). Usefully when he wants to do house-work he wants to get to it, not procrastinate, and be done! Anyway...the baby kept reaching out for him (obviously wanting to spend time with daddy), so J changed his clothes and took the baby for a walk up the street, fed him, is played with him! It was an "awwwww" and "YAY!" moment rolled into 1. It's really sweet and a reminder to me that one of the reasons I love J and got married to him is because he can be so sweet and attentive and loving! He has a strong commitment to family, which is important to me, and we (me and the baby) come first! :-)
Thanks for the feedback on hiring help. I think I'm going to go for it and hire someone to come every 2 weeks. Part of my resistance was that J would object and the other part is my constant desire to be a different kind of mother than my mom was (are we all trying to be different than our moms). My mom has numerous strengths (very smart, great educator, amazing social worker, fantastic mommy, caring, loving, good cook) but housekeeping was not one of them (this included not being able to sew costumes, make anything for the bake sale, etc.). I unconsciously at first then very consciously decided I wanted to be more "home-maker-like" than she had been. So that meant no hired help! Well, to hell with that! I'm tired and need help! :-)
I'm grading papers now and need to be reminded why I wanted to be an educator! Oh! Because it was what my mommy did and she had so much fun doing it! and to encourage and nurture young people to be social activists for positive change and save the world (hee-hee-hee)....despite the fact that their writing is not so great! And I am sure there are lots of social activists who are doing good work who cannot write to save their own lives! Right?!
Here's to remembering why and staying motivated, focused, and inspired!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Hiring Help
So...I keep going back and forth in my mind about hiring help (housekeeping help). I grew up with a live-in nanny/housekeeper who is more like a grandma than hired help! My husband (different culture, different up-bringing) is not keen on having anyone in our house to do anything we can do ourselves. Not only is he true to his culture, but he is also a true New Englander - "do it yourself! don't pay anyone for what you can do yourself!" But I am beginning to feel inept at balancing all my past and new roles. And the housework is falling way by the wayside and I HATE an unkempt house. Several of my friends have someone come in once a week to clean their houses and that seems so normal to me. What happens now is laundry gets done at midnight or I take baby to daycare in order to clean the kitchen. bathroom, etc. J does do housework + all the outside work (shoveling snow, mowing grass, etc.) so his not helping is not the problem. The problem is: we do not have the time to keep the house clean the way it should be which is important to me, not so much to him AND we could use that time to spend with each other and the baby! As it is our "free time" is spent cleaning, etc.
Does anyone have suggestions in general or suggestions for broaching this subject again with J? or should I just sneak someone in once a week to clean?
Does anyone have suggestions in general or suggestions for broaching this subject again with J? or should I just sneak someone in once a week to clean?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Things we do for our children
I never thought I'd do this, but I: (a) used my food processor and (b) made baby food! Thanks to my friend RJS for getting me Annabel Karmel's 100 Baby Food Puree (not exact title I don't think) book so I could use some recipes! This is chicken, sweet potato and apple (without the onion as the recipe calls for):
Still Healing...
As I was driving in to teach week 2 of my summer course I heard a story about fertility on NPR: http://www.npr.org/2011/05/31/136401095/nudging-young-women-to-think-about-fertility As I heard the women talk about why they had chosen to freeze their eggs and how a 40 year old woman walked out of a workshop frustrated because she wished she had known about such an option earlier in her life...I began to cry! I thought I would have to pull over as my eyes filled with tears and my vision became blurry! Oh Lord! I thought time and a beautiful baby boy would heal (and maybe make me forget) the losses, the frustration of trying, the anger at hearing my age mentioned at OBGyn appointments as a bad thing, the sadness, the shame, the pain....OY! I am so thankful for our miracle baby and grateful that once pregnant that the pregnancy went well and the delivery was as easy as the pregnancy; and I was not prepared to be moved to tears by any story on fertility, eggs, etc. I guess I foolishly thought that once I had a baby, that the memories and pain would go away. Today on the highway I was reminded that life is precious and that the biology of it all is complicated! Damn NPR for their informative educational programming (ha-ha-ha)!
I still cringe as my sisters-in-law ask when we're planning baby #2, I just look at them and ask with my eyes "Did you forget how long it took us to have this baby?! Do you not remember what we went through?!" The insensitivity is so huge! I guess regardless of what you go through to get pregnant and give birth, people forget once you have a live healthy baby and assume you can do it again with the snap of your fingers. I'm thankful for our miracle, we are so in love with him and so humbled by the whole process, and in no hurry to go through what we think might be traumatic again! I guess you never forget and that will have to be o.k. I suppose.
Today my heart, prayers, and thoughts are with those still TTC and to those who have been there...Life is precious and not as easy as we think to create!
I still cringe as my sisters-in-law ask when we're planning baby #2, I just look at them and ask with my eyes "Did you forget how long it took us to have this baby?! Do you not remember what we went through?!" The insensitivity is so huge! I guess regardless of what you go through to get pregnant and give birth, people forget once you have a live healthy baby and assume you can do it again with the snap of your fingers. I'm thankful for our miracle, we are so in love with him and so humbled by the whole process, and in no hurry to go through what we think might be traumatic again! I guess you never forget and that will have to be o.k. I suppose.
Today my heart, prayers, and thoughts are with those still TTC and to those who have been there...Life is precious and not as easy as we think to create!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Cultural Competency
Those of you who know my teaching and research agenda know that cultural competency is a BIG platform for me. My colleague K.H. in Chicago asked me to contribute to a book on couples of African descent and sex, love, and intimacy. My chapter will be on inter-cultural couples of African descent. I think I'm well-versed in cultural competency in terms of teaching my social work students about how to learn about, interact with, respect, etc. other cultures. But I have to say my own cultural competency with my husband's culture still baffles me! For those of you who don't know, he is Cameroonian (West African) and many Africans have very nice and unique traditions and they also have some specific ways in which family members should interact. I am married to the youngest son, his eldest brother is visiting, his oldest female cousin is also visiting....I know there's something I'm supposed to do, my husband doesn't always buy into the African family traditions, etc. so he just keeps saying "do what you want to do" (his family would consider him to be Americanized) and that is fine AND I also want to be sure I honor the birth order of his brother and cousin. Did I also mention that my husband is the chosen head of family and so our son is the next-in-line to the family "throne" so to speak! So I have some other role I should be doing as wife to the head of family and mother of this child, but who knows what that is! :-)
I decided to do what I think crosses cultures and boundaries and unknown spaces (which is what I would tell a student to do), I'm making fried & baked chicken, macaroni and cheese, greens, corn bread and fried catfish because where my family is from that's how you welcome and honor others - goes southern food! If you're in MA next week, stop by and partake with us, you'll get to see the full circle of cultural food.
As for what else I should be doing, I guess I'm not going to worry about it because as in all families there will be someone I'm sure to guide me and someone to snide about how I'm not doing it right! :-) God bless our families!
I decided to do what I think crosses cultures and boundaries and unknown spaces (which is what I would tell a student to do), I'm making fried & baked chicken, macaroni and cheese, greens, corn bread and fried catfish because where my family is from that's how you welcome and honor others - goes southern food! If you're in MA next week, stop by and partake with us, you'll get to see the full circle of cultural food.
As for what else I should be doing, I guess I'm not going to worry about it because as in all families there will be someone I'm sure to guide me and someone to snide about how I'm not doing it right! :-) God bless our families!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Perspective Part 2
This a.m. on NPR they were interviewing people who have lost their houses & loved ones in the tornadoes that have hit the mid-west. One woman said she had been talking about simplifying her life and asked "how many sets of sheets and towels does one really need?" Good question!
Yesterday I was annoyed and resentful because I have been feeling over-worked and under-appreciated at home (I pick up & drop-off the baby, wash & fill the bottles, make dinner, wash dishes, clean bathrooms, do laundry and go to my job for which I get paid) - my friend told me to stop it, set some limits, and make a schedule where I have a day off or out! I'm going to work on that. But...I was annoyed because the spare bedroom needed to be cleaned up because out of town guests are arriving for my niece's graduation and there were no sheets on the bed, so they needed to be washed and the bed needed to be made up. I had stayed home with the baby because he had conjunctivitis, I was tired, the husband would not be home until after 9 p.m. because he had class, the last thing I wanted to do was to wash sheets and clean the spare bedroom!
Despite the fact that my wise friend is right, I need to set better limits and discuss a schedule with my husband (we're new parents so this division of labor thing is new for us and I hope we'll work it out soon), I stopped and thought about why the spare bedroom needed to be cleaned. My niece, a cancer survivor is graduating from an ivy-league university! I am so excited and proud and happy to have her be a part of our lives! She loves her little cousin (our son), she often asks to babysit, she is funny, smart, beautiful, and I would clean a dozen bedrooms in order to celebrate her graduation.
I married into a large family, which as an only child, is a blessing of sorts. I now have tons of people to call on for help (who also give unsolicited advice). I get to be a part of lots of wonderful celebrations, graduation being one of them. Today, despite my resentment and annoyance, I feel blessed to be able to have a spare bedroom that has a bed that needs clean sheets because this means I have a house that has not been blown away by a tornado. Which reminds me: I need 2 sets of sheets - 1 for my bedroom and 1 for the spare bedroom - which is contrary to what my mother said and modeled growing up - we had sheet sets to share with all of Joplin, MO if they needed!
God bless the people in the path of the tornadoes, may they find their loved ones safe and my they rebuild their lives as quickly as humanly possible.
Yesterday I was annoyed and resentful because I have been feeling over-worked and under-appreciated at home (I pick up & drop-off the baby, wash & fill the bottles, make dinner, wash dishes, clean bathrooms, do laundry and go to my job for which I get paid) - my friend told me to stop it, set some limits, and make a schedule where I have a day off or out! I'm going to work on that. But...I was annoyed because the spare bedroom needed to be cleaned up because out of town guests are arriving for my niece's graduation and there were no sheets on the bed, so they needed to be washed and the bed needed to be made up. I had stayed home with the baby because he had conjunctivitis, I was tired, the husband would not be home until after 9 p.m. because he had class, the last thing I wanted to do was to wash sheets and clean the spare bedroom!
Despite the fact that my wise friend is right, I need to set better limits and discuss a schedule with my husband (we're new parents so this division of labor thing is new for us and I hope we'll work it out soon), I stopped and thought about why the spare bedroom needed to be cleaned. My niece, a cancer survivor is graduating from an ivy-league university! I am so excited and proud and happy to have her be a part of our lives! She loves her little cousin (our son), she often asks to babysit, she is funny, smart, beautiful, and I would clean a dozen bedrooms in order to celebrate her graduation.
I married into a large family, which as an only child, is a blessing of sorts. I now have tons of people to call on for help (who also give unsolicited advice). I get to be a part of lots of wonderful celebrations, graduation being one of them. Today, despite my resentment and annoyance, I feel blessed to be able to have a spare bedroom that has a bed that needs clean sheets because this means I have a house that has not been blown away by a tornado. Which reminds me: I need 2 sets of sheets - 1 for my bedroom and 1 for the spare bedroom - which is contrary to what my mother said and modeled growing up - we had sheet sets to share with all of Joplin, MO if they needed!
God bless the people in the path of the tornadoes, may they find their loved ones safe and my they rebuild their lives as quickly as humanly possible.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Perspsective Part 1
At the end of the day, I get to come home to my husband and my baby boy. This has become what I am calling "family therapy" which to mean means that my family provides me therapy just by being.
Craziness has been swirling at work - academia can be such a strange and wonderful place, but sometimes just down-right annoying and angering! I declared out loud that if things didn't work out for me (I'm not yet tenured) I wouldn't mind working at Target and Starbucks (2 of my favorite stores...the new Target by my house has a Starbucks inside). The spring semester is winding down (well, it's over really because summer school started today) and I'm feeling more and more like I should find a way to be a stay-at-home mom and wife!
There's also extended family craziness, but isn't there always?
Ngwa attended his first birthday party - see picture. He seemed overwhelmed by it all, but did not run away from Elmo. He flirted with 2 little girls - a red head and a cute brunette! LOL! So at the end of a week of craziness which is ushering in another week of madness, I got to take my son to his first birthday party. It was sheer joy and i am trying to live in and cherish these moments!
This is Ngwa and mommy, Tommy and Laurie (fellow UCSB alum and www.thefamilythatlaughstogether.blogspot.com)
Craziness has been swirling at work - academia can be such a strange and wonderful place, but sometimes just down-right annoying and angering! I declared out loud that if things didn't work out for me (I'm not yet tenured) I wouldn't mind working at Target and Starbucks (2 of my favorite stores...the new Target by my house has a Starbucks inside). The spring semester is winding down (well, it's over really because summer school started today) and I'm feeling more and more like I should find a way to be a stay-at-home mom and wife!
There's also extended family craziness, but isn't there always?
Ngwa attended his first birthday party - see picture. He seemed overwhelmed by it all, but did not run away from Elmo. He flirted with 2 little girls - a red head and a cute brunette! LOL! So at the end of a week of craziness which is ushering in another week of madness, I got to take my son to his first birthday party. It was sheer joy and i am trying to live in and cherish these moments!
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